10 minute countdown

I set unrealistic goals and deadlines constantly.

Like tonight, realizing I have only 10 minutes to post while it's still technically "today."

This blog is supposed to serve as an ice breaker of sorts, if I have nothing to say then I may as well get the nothing out of the way to make room for the something I have been mulling over.

Today's nothing? Goals. I love them, I'm always setting them and day dreaming about their fruition. And then day two, I forget that I even set one. This constant amnesia or ebb and flow of dedication and determination leaves me paving the first step of my road to success and then trying to follow it, constantly frustrated at the fact that dreams don't build themselves.

I think a lot of the problem is that I set too many goals too fast and I get so focused on the end result the day to day effort in between is heartbreakingly disappointing and utterly shatters the dream.

I always want to be the best version of myself, but often I think that version won't emerge after so many classes, workouts, job interviews. That person I want to be is not and cannot be me. I need to look realistically at what I can do and be.

I'm not saying forget dreams, I'm working on realizing that dreams are the rough draft to get things started, and living everyday life like its an important part of the process instead of a hindrance would make being who I am now easier.

Forgive the cliches and contradictions, these are relatively unfiltered and unedited.

Why is Music So Hard?

The sunlight creeping across the floor reminds me that I should be working. 

But first, music.

Like any project, it needs the music to compliment it. The problem with this is I've never been very good at music. Not good at playing it, not good at listening to it.

Music is emotions incarnate, it can amplify what we are feeling at the moment immeasurably. But a song that one time meant everything now may not pull the same trigger of emotional release, it becomes flat or is doomed to be the wrong song.

There's this insatiable need to always, always be listening and discovering music. The new sound is a cross between hiphop/folk/punk/rock/metal and its like nothing you've ever heard before, or so everyone wants to tell you.

But the right songs just happen. There are popular songs that seem to be everything for their 15 minutes of fame, but then after are simply replaced by the same recycled notes and themes to define the new tomorrow. 

I always want the music to perfectly match my mood. The difficulty is finding out first what mood I'm in and then second, what music actually fits that. Often, I want music to change my mood so I listen to upbeat music when I'm most definitely not feeling it, which perpetuates annoyance with music for not doing its job.

Maybe I'm just what's difficult.

Day 2

To the people who accidentally stumbled across my blog, all 17 of you, I want to explain my sign off as it may come across as ungrateful. The point of this blog, if it has one, is for me to overcome my fear of people reading my writing so it's meant to be me expressing my true feelings and facing them simultaneously (I really like that word).

This morning I am up, downtown, studying, and drinking coffee (albeit decaf). I've never really thought of myself as a morning person as when I was growing up, sleep was a precious commodity that greedily ate away the morning hours. Since becoming an adult and/or going to college, I've had to realize that mornings are something that I cannot afford to waste. Do I still have my days where I sleep until 2 p.m.? Absolutely, but they usually come after extremely rare all nighters or during the flu.

Don't take this to mean that I happily bounce out of bed when my alarm goes off, more that I hate it a little less because I understand its purpose is not to end my beautiful dreams and get blankets thrown over it to muffle its horrid siren call. I've forced myself to enroll in a gauntlet of 8 a.m. courses so that while I'm cursing the sunless cold morning on my way to class, I'm finished with school and awake for a full day ahead of me.

It's a good trick to feeling productive, because I correlate staying in bed past 9 a.m. as the utmost lazy act I can commit, and that's just how my day starts. Being able to tell people you've been up since 8 a.m. (even if it was 8:59) it just sounds better, and yes I use how long I've been up as a brag. I think it sounds impressive, productive even and I want people to be impressed by how early I got up and feel like they've wasted hours of their life sleeping while I bettered myself. All lies, but I like to think getting up early makes me a better person than most.

Everyone seems to have their own definition of what it means to be a morning person. Some people say that they're a morning person because they can wake up and enjoy the morning, others think they're a morning person because they can wake up without the shock of caffeine to their system. I would say I'm a morning person because I cherish mornings. It's the most peaceful time of my day and since I have to be up early anyways, I get to see the sunrise most mornings and I find sunrises infinitely more beautiful than sunsets. My reasoning is because sunrises are for the few, its a small gift from the sun congratulating you on being up and you know you're only sharing it with a minority of the human populace which makes it a little more special.

Those are my thoughts on this cold, snowy morning.

Thank you for not reading.

The First Step

I’ve always wanted to be an artist. There’s something so profoundly moving by being able to express something inside you that is such a tangible feeling you can show it to others and help them realize that they too feel as you do. I’ve always wanted to be able to do that with writing, but I’m not anywhere close.

I’m a college student and I say and think I want to be a writer. My professors keep saying if you want to be a writer, write every day. Writing everyday is so far from where I am right now I don’t even need to call it futile.

I don’t know why I’m starting a blog, I cannot stand the idea of having people reading my thoughts plainly. I know I’m scared of what people will think, I don’t actually even want to know that people are reading what I put out there. Why? Because they might think it’s pointless or stupid, which I fear as I write. I feel like this is less juvenile and pathetic than a diary, but maybe I'm wrong.

I feel like people start blogs along with a challenge, life event, or something. I have no set plan, nothing much to talk about but myself. As you can tell I’m extremely unorganized in my thoughts and subjects. I usually outline a purpose and would come up with an anal format that each post would follow. In an attempt to beat my own system, I'm forcing myself to not spend days on end creating and editing the perfect blog with the clever name. I will deal heavily in apathetic cliches and appallingly unedited posts until I know better. I'm just becoming a writer, remember?

But I cannot write every day on my love hate relationship with exercising, my occasional experiments with cooking, my family, my opinion on movies, my no experience with dating, my political or religious views, my confused sense of style, or any other follower-gaining topics. (But you will definitely get these sporadically).

So I’ll just write about life as it comes. If that stresses you out, then don’t read it. Or tell me what you want to hear my amateur thoughts about. Or write nasty things, I probably don’t have feelings.

Thank you for not reading.